White Whale ✕ The First Spear

I have been chasing her for years.

She is always right on the horizon,

always in the back of my mind.

Someone told me today that the chase could be neverending

if I never actually throw the spear. That I should just try.

So, knowing that I will miss, I let the whale see me, and I throw:

I.

I have a confession to make.

I find it beautiful when I hear someone I know speak

through the mouth of someone else.

It is an indescribable feeling, by its very nature.

Something so concrete, so directly traceable, but so abstract.

It's a paradox, and those are hard to talk about.

Last year, at a celebration, I met the best friend of one of my friends.

I've never met them before, but I heard a lot about them, obviously.

And the moment they spoke, I noticed it.

I heard the same phrases I've heard before, the same speech patterns,

the same linguistic mannerisms that my friend has;

I've never met this person, but I recognized the way they talked.

Without knowing it, the two of them became an archive,

a diary of all the time they spend together.

Each of them evidence of the other's existence.

I've talked to people about who we are:

I think all we are can be traced through a set of influences.

Most people don't like this thought, I think it takes away agency from them.

I had a friend once, we talked every day for a year over chat in a game.

One day, he disappeared. I don't know what happened to him, but he never came back

and, not knowing each other in the real world, we never talked again.

I remember the last words he said to me — a good night wish. I won't tell you the exact phrasing, as it wasn't notable.

But I remember it, so every so often, I slip it into casual conversation. It is a small nod to my friend.

To all that he's done for me and I for him. I won't tell you the exact phrasing, as it is private.

I find it beautiful. I am all my friends, all of my family,

all the strangers I've exchanged one sentence with,

all the words that hurt me and that helped me.

And such, I notice it all the time. Every time I speak,

I hear those who I love, like I love those closest to me

and like I love the grass and like I love the storm and the flame.

We are each a set of influences, forming a network so wide and

so incredibly complicated, each on our own and all together.

And this is expressed, subtly, every second of our lives.